Monday, February 05, 2007

Marine biologists release fantastic discovery of new marine mammal.

Marine Biology Monthly announced exactly one month ago that in the upcoming issue a fresh, new discovery would be made public. After waiting on the edge of my seat with baited breath for a month, that issue, ladies and gentlemen, has finally arrived.

In it is documented possibly one of the most startling finds of this nascent century: the bovinefish. Now I know what you are thinking - that just sounds silly. And even if it were real, didn't they already discover a swimming cow when they found the manatee? The answer is a resounding no, because whilst they found in the manatee the answer to many mermaid sightings, they did not find in the manatee a scrumptious meal. Will you believe what they found in the bovinefish? Move over sushi freaks because bovinefish steak has waddled into town.

Delectable. Delicious. Sumptuous. Scrumptious.

And, according to recent studies, there exists only a select group of people in the world who know how to properly prepare, cure, baste, season, and remove the spine-needle poison sack of the bovinefish. The group comprises tribeswomen from the right shoulder of South America, a clan of fierce, warrior women. They can be tamed only with slow infiltration with the art of deception. Those most well-versed in these arts, to the point of utter mastery some sources say, are the forces of the shadowy ninja clan known only as eViL. Through well-guised affections and affectations it is apparently possible to lure a tribeswoman out of her element, tricking her into lowering her gilded, bow-girded arm and into thinking she wants to properly prepare the bovinefish. The actual success rate of the eViL shadow-ninja clan is reportedly low, but in terms of quality it is unsurpassed - confidential sources report that the Princess herself was the object of such infernal plans.

"While it appears that further bovinefish tastings will prove difficult in the wake of the Princess' ordeal, gratitude for the past will never be diminished," the lucky tasters say. But who knows? Maybe as time goes on they will forget, or will reveal the recipe to the entire civilized world...